"Sometimes we let our thoughts of tomorrow take up too much of today. Daydreaming of the past and longing for the future may provide comfort but will not take the place of living in the present. This is the day of our opportunity, and we must grasp it."
The idea that one decision could put you on a completely different path. Every choice big or small could alter your life in a huge way.
This is Kaleb's/Joshua's sliding door moment.
Last Wednesday night, Ken, Katie and I headed down to Conroe (4 hours away). D (birth mom) was set to be induced the next morning at 5 am! We were so excited to be there for Kaleb's birth. Katie was asking about him the whole ride down there.
at the start of our journey
Around 3 am D sent me a text letting me know that the hospital ran out of rooms and that they had to bump her induction. That totally sucked! We were looking forward to meeting Kaleb that day!
The next couple of days were spent in limbo. D's new induction date was set for Tuesday but we all were hoping she would go into labor before then. We figured there was a good chance considering she was already past her due date!
Saturday (1/14/12) at 7 am I got a call from D telling me she was heading to the hospital because she was in labor! Woohoo!!!! We were so excited that it was finally happening!!! D did a great job during her labor and at 2:08 pm Kaleb Joshua made his grand entrance into this world. He had a ton of hair and was huge! He weighed 9 lbs 9 oz and was 21 inches long. He looked like a 2 month old, lol. I bawled of course. I was so excited to see what my son looked like.
Ken was back at the hotel while Katie was taking a much needed nap. I called him to let him know that Kaleb was here. I sent him a picture with the stats and this was he reply, "That's a big beautiful boy! Linebacker material for sure!" He was so excited to have a son!
Ken and Katie came to the hospital a few hours later to meet him. Katie was very unsure of him and trying to figure out what was going on. She was more interested in pushing all the buttons in the room, lol. It was so touching to see Ken hold Kaleb. He is such an amazing father! He got Kaleb to fall right asleep. After a little bit we left so that D's family could have time with them.
On Sunday D wanted it to be just for her family so we planned a fun day for ourselves. We decided to head down to the Kemah Boardwalk and Galveston. On our way down there D called us to give us a update on Keleb. We were very excited to talk with her and to hear how our little boy was doing.
We had a wonderful day enjoying all the beautiful sights. Katie loved watching all the rides at the boardwalk. She rode the merry-go-round with Ken and I took her on the ferris wheel. My favorite part of the day was the beach. It was so relaxing to walk on the sand and to hear the waves crashing. The waves seemed to carry all of our worries out to sea.
When we first arrived at the beach Katie was eating a cookie and we thought the birds were going to attack her. It was a little scary!
Ken wrote our names in the sand and also Kaleb's name with his birth date. We were so excited to have him join our family!
When we were walking back to our car we got another call from D. Her day with her family had not gone as she would have hoped. Some issues came up with the birth father's family and she asked if we could come visit her and have Ken give her another blessing. We were sorry that things weren't going as she planned but we were happy to get to see her and Kaleb.
On the two hour drive home Katie was in the silliest of moods. My cheeks were hurting from laughing so much, lol. We had told Katie that we were going to see her brother at the hospital and she was really excited.
When she saw the hospital she went all crazy shouting, "Kaleb Joshua! Little brother, big sister. See brother!!!" To get to the hospital you have to drive to the end of it and then drive around a bend. Well it is covered by a lot of trees and when Katie couldn't see the hospital anymore she got really upset and started crying to see her brother. When we got to D's floor both Ken and I had to use the restroom so Katie again got upset thinking that she wasn't going to see Kaleb. It was the sweetest thing! She loves her little brother so much and wanted to see him more than anything! She was so excited to see him and when I was holding him she would come up and say hi and give him a kiss. It melted Ken and I's hearts! (We didn't get any pictures that night.)
During our visit it became apparent that D was having doubts. She let us know that she still wanted to place him with us but didn't know if she had the strength to do it. The next day (placement day) she asked if we could go to the temple with her. She wanted to see us with him at the temple so she could find the strength she needed. We said that was fine. We also talked about a few other things.We left that night knowing that she wanted some more time with him and that she would text us the next day to let us know when to meet her at the temple. The plan was that from the temple we would go to the church and have placement there.
The next day (Monday) we never got a text from her. We did our best to keep ourselves busy but it was extremely stressful. Ken talked with her case worker a few times and found out that the hospital didn't release them because Kaleb had a slight case of jaundice.
We were very worried at this point that placement wasn't going to happen. All we heard was that D wanted more time with him. We didn't know what this meant. Was she going to take him home the next day when they got released or was she still planning on placing the next day or at all. We sent an email to D letting her know that we understood that she needed more time and totally respected that.
heading out for dinner in our pjs, slippers and a red face
Tuesday morning we woke up and called the case worker to find out what was going on. 3 hours later we finally heard back from her. Ken stepped outside to talk with her. He was out there for a little bit. When I opened the door for him he had tears in his eyes and said, "We are going home." He is not Kaleb, he is Joshua." It was so incredibly hard to see him crying. For the next few minutes we just hugged each other and cried. Then I looked at him and said, "Well, we have been through one of the worst things an adoptive couple can go through and we survived. We are ok." We told Katie we were going home and she couldn't wait to leave. She was sick and tired of being stuck in a hotel for a week! (and so were we)
The drive home sucked! I cried for two hours straight. (Thankfully Katie was asleep during the whole time.) Katie didn't mention Kaleb at all that day. I think she knew something was wrong. She would see my crying and say, "so sad". The worst part was trying to figure out the right way to tell Katie that Kaleb her brother was not coming home with us. Thankfully she didn't ask about him that day so we didn't have to yet.
On Wednesday we decided to do something fun! Ken had one more day of vacation and we were going to make the most of it. While we were at Costco eating lunch we ran into our friends mom who was babysitting her grand kids. One of the boys name is Caleb. When the grandmother asked Katie do you know Caleb? I had to turn away because I started crying. I was so worried about how Katie was going to react to hear that name but she was fine. She knows this little boy and knows his name is Caleb so it wasn't a big thing for her. Ken and I on the other hand were not ok.
The rest of the day went so much better. We went to Fossil Rim and enjoyed seeing all the animals up close. I even had one of my dreams come true. One of the giraffes came right up to the car and stuck its head in our sunroof. It was the coolest thing ever! Katie loved riding in the front of the car in my lap and feeding the animals. We mostly just threw the food out the window because after all they are wild animals, but Katie did sneak a piece of food to a zebra right out of her little hand.
A zebra bite the door handle and actually opened the door, crazy!
Right before bed time Katie found a present that we were given for Kaleb and she pulled the stuff out and brought it to us saying, "Kaleb Joshua". Ken and I just starred at each other. I sat her down and did my best to explain. I wish I could have done it without crying but that just didn't happen. I told her that Kaleb wasn't coming home with us. That he wasn't going to be her little brother. She wasn't quite sure to make of what I said, after all she is only two and a half. We know it will take some time for her to understand but we know that she will be just fine. It is just really hard to tell her that the brother she loved and wanted so much just isn't coming home.
The last couple of months have been such a interesting journey. D picked us within a month of our profile going up and we were so excited! But over the past three months we have had our doubts about her actually going through with the placement. Ken was really worried that because she was already a mother she wouldn't be able to go through with placement and I just had doubts that I couldn't place my finger on. We prayed about it and we were never told no he wasn't our baby so we continued to move forward and were hopeful that the baby she was carrying would be our son. But like I said, there were doubts. I even shared those with a few friends of mine. I told them that I was excited and hopefully but I just had this gut feeling that it wouldn't happen. A guess it was because of those feeling I wasn't able to do a few things before we went to go get him. For example, I bought some things for him to make the nursery his but I never put them up. I washed all the baby gear stuff (bouncer, swing, etc) but I couldn't bring myself to putting them out. I guess you can say I cautiously preparing for him.
During labor, Kaleb was kicking D and she said, "Calm down my son." I looked at the clock it was 1:30 exactly and in my head I said, "this is the moment we lost him." I knew subconsciously that he wasn't going to be our son. I just knew it wasn't going to happen and I felt peaceful about it. I was completely sad but I knew that it would be alright. And considering everything that happened we are doing ok. Really we are. We are very sad and emotional but we are ok. It is a weird mix of emotions.
The night we got home we vegged out and watched some t.v. On one show there was a baby born. The doctor announced, "it's a boy!" I looked at Ken and said, "of course it is". We both laughed. Then within 15 min. we turned it to another station and there was a birth mom and an adoptive mom at a birthing class. The instructor was telling the class that there is nothing more magical then when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. Ken said, "Are you freaking kidding me?" "What the crap!" With that he turned off the tv and we just busted up laughing. (Oh and the next night, a character on Criminal Minds was named Kaleb. What are the odds, lol.) At least we can still laugh!
Like I said earlier though, we are fine! We will have times that will hurt more then others and we will still cry for awhile I am sure. Like seeing his clothes hanging up in the nursery, that sucked. I still have to unpack all of his clothes from the trip and put everything away. But I will wait awhile before I do that.
We hold no resentment towards D. She had a beyond difficult decision to make and she made the only decision that she felt she could live with. We are in no place to judge her decision nor do we. We wish her and her kids the best and we hope that they will have a wonderful life!
We are going to take a couple weeks before we ask our agency to re-post our profile. We need some time to mourn our loss. But we know that things will be ok and that it will get back to normal around here soon. Our little family went through something traumatic together and we are stronger for it. Ken and I have never been closer and we know that we can get through anything.
To our family and friends: Thank you for all the kind words of support throughout this whole journey. And especially thank you for all the prayers offered on our behalf. We truly are blessed with the best family and friends that are out there!!!! We wanted to share what happened with you all in this way because you have gone through this journey with us and we know that you want to know what happened. We are hoping that by writing this down and letting everyone read it, we won't have to re-tell it over and over again as we are just not ready for that. Thank you again for your support! We love you all!
just a cute picture of a super cute girl to end this post
